Anybody Seen Dave Attell -Saturday, September 06, 2003 -4:45 am-
Insomnia really sicks. I thought tonight was going to be a time for me to catch up on sleep and get back on a normal schedule. :::snorts::: Oh, well. I don't know wether it's because of it or the cause of it, but when I can't sleep, I can't stop thinking. Tonight all sorts of things are going by. Mainly, I miss being a photographer. I've got bits and pieces of things I want to shoot, or make into a shoot, but I don't have the money to do anything about it. I also miss working with models. Shooting was, for me, always a fun thing to do. I enjoyed interacting with people. And I liked feeling like I was doing something. This trimester, I've felt like my life is pointless. I've been quite badly depressed and missing a lot of class again. I'm probably going to fail math and EET lab. I just don't believe anything I'm doing is making a difference... there's no point to any of it. If it doesn't matter, then why should I go do it? After a while, the fear of how far behind I am makes me not go back... which just makes everything worse. I think that's why I'm trying to do so much handy-man stuff. I'm trying to do something that makes me feel like I've done something that matters. It's why photo was important to me... when I was shooting and printing, I felt like I was contributing something to the world. I need something in my life to matter right now, and I just can't find anything.
I think I'm also bothered with how things are with Mich. I wanted to propose to her, and I made it clear to her that I was interested in doing so. She... seemed to want none of it, which bothers me a lot. I understand it from her position. Things between started poorly, and didn't get any better for a long time. I've certainly given her reason to be nervous. It seems like she's still so unsure... it just really bothers me. But I'm not even sure we should get engaged. She doesn't want to stay in Ohio. I'm not ready to leave. I don't want to leave my family until I'm capable of supporting myself and Mich, the same requirements I have for actually getting married. If she goes, I don't think I will, and I know that would be then end of things between us. I know that since I love her I'm supposed to support her in whatever she does, but if I'm still beholden to my parent's to support me, I can't help her. I don't want to follow her to go knows where just to leach off of her, god knows I do that enough now. It's just such a bad idea to leave now. I'm not comfortable striking out on my own when I know for a fact that I can't support myself. I'm also still upset that she won't tell her parents about us. She finally, after several years, introduces me to other people as her boyfriend, but she won't say it to her parents. Which is stupid, because they've got to know by now. Since she introduced me to her grandfather and aunt, they must have told her parents. So why the hell am I not good enough to talk to her parents about?