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Email me: williaty

Tue, 03 Feb 2004

That Which Has Passed Behind    -Tuesday, February 03, 2004   -3:24 am-

Tonight's The West Wing scared me quite a bit. The major premise of the episode is that C.J. Cregg return home for her highschool reunion to find out that her father is afflicted with Alzheimer's. Watching the people on screen made me think a lot about myself. I don't know how much about my memory most of you actually know, it's mostly a joke now, but really, it's a fairly big problem. I don't think any of you were around when it first started happening. I think it must have been Sophomore or the beginning of Junior year that I noticed things becoming different. I was missing meals and not knowing why I was hungry. I was going to classes that had been canceled or moved and wondering where everyone was. I would do things and not remember with whom I had done them. Two years later, I'm not sure where I am compared to that. That bothers me a great deal. I sometimes thing maybe I'm doing better, but that just makes me wonder if I can no longer remember what it's like not to forget. I know I cover better now. I build little pauses into my life to give me time to try to guess at the parts I'm missing. I phrase retellings and remembrances to avoid being specific about when, or where, or whom. More and more, I is start something, or come into a room, only to find out that I have no idea why I'm there, or what I had wanted to do. I rarely know when it is anymore, and can only decide how long ago something was by literally figuring out when it is now and calculating backwards to find out how much time has actually passed. I'm always unnerved to find that what I thought was a matter of day has in fact been many months.

Over the Christmas break, I went with my parents to see my paternal grandparents. My grandfather has had a series of strokes over the last few years. Watching him, I was... I don't know what the word for being bitter and resigned and depressed and scared all at the same time... to see him making the same little breaks I do to try and make the time he needed so that other people wouldn't know that he couldn't remember. I see that, and I see the tv, and I wonder if that's my future. Am I going to forget all of my life, slowly, and wondering all the while if anything is actually changing? Right now, I'm getting along ok, I think. But how long is it until I begin to forget names, or switch them? I look at my future and wonder if I'm going to be there for it, if I'm going to want Mich to be there for it?

writebacks...

williaty wrote

I wasn't attempting to imply that I have Alzheimer's. I'm not sure if I accidently did or not, but I wasn't trying to. The neurologists don't know what's wrong with me.

tiggerbone wrote

comprehension

I had no idea. My younger sister and I have some problems. Hers are worse than mine. I mainly have ADHD and mild synesthesia. My sister on the other hand is undiagnosable. The most obvious problem is that she is lost in time and space. Her perceptions of both are radically different than the norm. It can be extremely disorienting to find out that the people around you have this bank of perceptions and experiences that you do not share. I have learned to cope for the most part but it is harder for my sister. She will never live on her own. She will always need someone to take care of her. This is a very depressing thought to my parents. No one knows whether she will get worse as time goes on. No one knows what is causing the fact that she started to have seizures a few years ago. No one knows what to do about her problems. We just know that we care for her and that we must help her as much as possible. We will always be there for her. Do not do anything silly by trying to decide whether Mich should be in your future. She can make that decision for herself. Your friends care about you and would not appreciate being shut out because you were trying to spare us or because of fear for your future.

red wrote

hmm... i've always had a shitty memory too, ty, but i'd never thought of it as anything more than my own carelessness. sometimes i blame the drugs. though, truthfully, my hindered memory started long before any kind of drug other than alcohol had even been exposed to my system. i, too, have synesthesia. self-diagnosed, of course. i've never been able to afford to have a professional tell me what i already know. i'm just fine with that status, too. i've also never viewed that as any sort of illness, either. in fact, it's helped in many more ways than it's hurt me. and shit, it made shrooms a lot more fun. about your concerns, though ty, i'm not quite sure what to tell you. maybe try writing things down. or take more pictures. you're all set up with the photo equipment. it's a little unnerving to hear that you're frequently trying to cover up your memory loss. let us know, ty. i won't make fun, i promise. at least, not for that, i won't. when you can't remember part of a story, tell the part you know and the other people who were there will try to fill in the missing pieces. call me sometime. we'll talk. i know i'm not usually available, but i'll try to make some freetime. it's been a while since i've had a decent conversation with you.

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